Friday, October 9, 2015

The Day Forest Gump Died

 When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”

“Okay,” said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ ”

“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?

“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”

St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question,” said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”

St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”

“And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Run, Forest, Run!”


On Hiatus To Washington D.C.

The Queen and her servant took a quick trip to DC and surrounding areas this past week. The highlights were to Gettysburg, Antietam and Manassas to view the Civil War battle sites. To this day we are saddened by the carnage that took place. If the Union forces didn't have such dumb generals the war would have been over in a year.

Whenever we go to the District of Columbia a trip to Arlington National Cemetery is a must see. The changing of the Honor Guard should be required attendance by every high school student in America.

Interestingly for me nothing out of the ordinary took place. I'm a people watcher and we didn't see any weirdo's. Excuse me for a second. I did run into one blithering idiot at Dupont Circle in Washington DC.

 While standing in line at a coffee shop with my back to the counter I was looking off into space. Evidently, a woman, not beautiful and not ugly, got in line behind me. I didn't notice her but all of a sudden she yelled out, "Stop looking at me or I'll call the police".  "Lady", I said, "I'm 70 years old. I've been married to the same woman for 46 years. I have three children and ten grandchildren and I have the sexual potency of a dead skunk. I could really give a rat's ass if you call the police or not".

Yes, I was somewhat abrupt but at my age who needs youth giving me lectures.

That little scenario was the extent of my five day trip for conflict. Depressing, huh?

Traffic in DC is horrid but we didn't get shot and that's a good thing.

Admittedly the best part of the trip, after visiting the Civil War sites, was coming home. Traveling on Interstate 68 from Hagerstown, Maryland to Morgantown, West Virginia is breath taking. Try it some time.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

What ISIS Is Doing To Thousands In Syria And The US Does Nothing

Islamic State killers hanged this man beside the road in an area occupied by the fanatics

The Silence From The MSM Regarding The Shooter's Social Profile Is Deafening

The Oregon shooter had a thin social media profile.
On his myspace page, Chris Harper-Mercer, 26, posted a photograph of himself holding a rifle, alongside images of masked IRA gunmen and an IRA terrorist video. The IRA and Palestinian terrorism have a long history.
He has just two friends — a girl and a jihadi. Check out the terror sympathizer’s page  praising:
“The brave Mujahideen heroes”
“The Mujahideen freedom fighters of Palestine. My brothers and sisters keep on doing your thing. Allahu Akbar.”
“my brave soldiers keep on fighting for the liberation of Palestine against Israel. f*ck Israel. Kill the Jews. jews are the only infidels.”
“The Quran ….. holy book of muslims”

Friday, October 2, 2015

Guns: It's The Culture Stupid

Devastating, isn't it? The killings in Oregon and around the country. President Obama is livid with anger that the Congress has failed to pass legislation to curb the murders by gunfire.

We had dinner with friends last evening. The husband is a top level national political consultant so when I'm with him I'm more than reluctant to offer social and political positions. In other words, he intimidates me.

Even so, we were talking about yesterday's shootings and he asked what I thought. My initial response was to offer him a profile of the shooter without any knowledge.

It was my contention that he came from a broken home. No doubt he suffered a mental illness. I suspected he was unpopular and lacking in friends.* Typically, these types spend their days clicking on video games and are more than aware porn is available on the net in a second. I also stated that the only time God was mentioned in his home it was followed by a damn. How'm I doin' so far?

Our culture is in the pooper. Dare I say it? Liberalism has destroyed the values and character of this country.

So, the question to Mr. Obama is, in order to rid the country of guns(an impossibility) how are you going to do it? Be specific without playing the blame game. Why not set up a test area to promote your ideas. Go to Chicago and see how they work. Then after you realize your successes move on to St. Louis, Detroit, New Orleans, Baltimore and on and on and on.

Problem solved.

*Note left by the shooter:
The rambling document left behind, and believed to be written by the gunman, lamented an isolated life with little promise, the official said.
The contents and tone of the document, the official said, tracked the often desperate and depressed writings from members of a loosely affiliated group known as the "beta boys." The official said members associated with the group share profound disappointment with their lots in life and the lack of meaningful relationships.

A Hero Among Heroes

I'm wondering if you have heard or will ever hear the name Chris Mintz. The man left high school ten years ago to join the Armed Forces. Between then and now he married and became the father of a six year old son.

Mr. Mintz attended a junior college in a certain town in Oregon. Yesterday, his life changed dramatically. He was on the floor, as ordered, by the mass murderer. Then his survival instincts kicked in. Mintz charged the shooter and received seven bullets to his body. He lived.

What he accomplished was to divert attention from other potential victims possible saving them from death.

A soldier, a single father and now a hero to all. What an American he is and we still have him in our midst.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Shania! Ohhhhh Baby

Every normal red blooded testosterone filled male has a fantasy girl. C'mon now, fess up. Think back in your life and wasn't there one female who made your day? Truth be told they were, most likely, unattainable but anything is possible.

When I was in college the mantle of fantasy girl was held by Judy Stitt. She was every guy's dream girl. At five foot eight and a svelte 130 pounds with blond tresses she filled the bill. Judy knew what she wanted and what she didn't want which were most of the guys on campus.* She was also chaste which only enhanced every guy's lust. The thrill is in the hunt.

As an example of Judy's solid morals our track coach gave us a semester final exam. Coach Bean told us he was going to put that test in a place so secure no one would be able to get the answers and cheat. He said, "I'm going to put the questions and answers in Judy Stitt's pants". We all laughed loudly but what he said was oh so true.

A week ago The Queen announced over morning coffee, "Shania Twain's going to be at the Nationwide Arena on September 30 for a concert". Shania is and always has been my fantasy girl. This has been going on for years. Upon hearing this I scrambled to my computer to order tickets.

I was in such a frenzy my mind went into overload. I clicked on to the first ticket outlet which wasn't too smart. Remember this, I wasn't thinking clearly. As far as I knew this seller could have been stationed out of the Ukraine and I was about to buy tickets that would force me to fight against the Russian army without a rifle. Regardless, I bought two of these gems. Yes, Her Majesty would be my guest. I figure I had to take her. Had I left her at home chances are good I would have jumped on the stage and planted a big one on Shania's beautiful red smackers.

The cash I forked over for this concert would feed the poor in Columbus, Ohio for a year but I didn't care. Besides, Shania is my girl so I threw caution, and my back account, to wherever it want to go.

Last night was the big night. Eighteen thousand screaming souls of all ages attended. I stood for the entire two hours singing every song. I knew them all. Actually, I mouthed them because my singing voice would make grown men cry out in anguish.

Our seats were main floor and less than a weak sand wedge from the stage. Even so I spent most of the night drooling looking at the overhead stage screen.

I was determined to buy a souvenir before I left and told my partner so. A kid in front of me was wearing a Shania T-shirt with the schedule of her tour emblazoned on the backside. "Not my style", I thought.

Then I told Her Majesty I was going to get a large poster and hang it in my man cave. "There's no room", she stated. "Okay", I said, I'll put it on the ceiling above our bed". Somehow, and I don't know why, this idea was nixed.

Shania will continue to be my babe. She's beautiful at 50. I still have a chance. If you know the rule of thumb about men and younger women you'll understand. Take a man's age and cut it in half then add 7. So, I can still date a 42 year old if I want(but don't tell this to you-know-who).

Ms. Twain's first husband cheated on her for an honest to goodness troll. What a fool. But it didn't bother me that much because in my heart I still had a chance. She also has class and values. Trust me, I know this stuff. She's against drinking, drugs and premarital sex and she isn't afraid to talk openly about her values.

I have all types of fantasies in life. Let's say I had the chance to hit a grand slam home run for the Chicago Cubs in the last inning of a game 7 World Series to win. That would be the ultimate for every guy who follows the 'Loveable Losers'. Or, I could squire Shania Twain to a fine restaurant and an evening of conversation, some fine wine and a walk anywhere she wants to go. Of course, she would fall in love with my sense of humor and attentiveness.

That is a decision I would not want to make.

So, I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was, "Shania, ohhhhhh baby"! Dream on big boy.

* Judy Stitt did attend our fraternity spring formal as my date so I guess I have that going for me.